Supporting someone who has been bereaved (2024)

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who's been bereaved. Maybe it's stopping you from getting in touch in case something you say makes things worse? But your support could really help– people who are grieving often tell us that the worst thing someone can say, is to say nothing. And contact from family and friends can help a person who is grieving feel supported and loved.

On this page:

How to help someone who is grieving

Everyone experiences grief differently. You may want to first look at our page that talks about some of the feelings they may be going through. Read more about how people feel when they are grieving.

Here are some things to think about when you do get in touch with a grieving friend, or member of your family.

Getting in touch

• If it's too difficult to see them in person, then you could send them an email or letter, or just send them a text to let them know that you're thinking about them.
• If you're worried about visiting or calling at the wrong time, then try messaging first to ask when would be good for them.

Tips on what to say

• Remember that grief is different for everyone and you cannot know how they're feeling. So, it's best to avoid saying things like 'they've gone to a better place', or 'it's a good age' as they can make someone who is grieving think that their feelings of loss are being dismissed.
• Take your lead from them. They may want to talk to you in detail about what happened and how they feel, or they may not.
• If you knew the person who has died, it can mean a lot if you can share any happy stories or tell them about kind things you remember the person saying.

Try to be a good listener

• Most important of all, try to be a good listener. You cannot fix or cure their grief, or make it go away– but if they want to talk, then letting them talk about what they are going through, or about the the person who has died, may be the most helpful thing you can do.
• Letting the person who is grieving talk about the person who died, can help with their grieving process. So, if they want to talk about them, don't try to change the subject. Listen to what they have to say without interrupting.
• You may find that they repeat details about the person's illness or death. Or perhaps they repeat the same stories from their past together. This is normal, and it can be part of the grieving process, so let them talk. Saying things like 'I remember you telling me that and it's a great memory to have...' may be more helpful than saying 'yes, you've told me that before.'

Keeping in touch

• Continue to call, or check in with them, after the funeral too. People often say that it was at this time that they would really like to have heard from people as it's when a person who has been bereaved, can feel most alone.
• Stick to any promises you make. The person who has been bereaved may be feeling vulnerable and they need to know that they can trust you.
• Thoughtful gestures such as inviting them for coffee, or to go for a walk, or just sending a text to say you're thinking of them, can really help.

Some people may not want to talk about their grief at all. Sometimes just having you in the same room and sitting together quietly can be reassuring.

We have more information on how to talk to someone who has been bereaved as part of our support for bereavement at work.

Let the grieving person express their emotions

If you can, try to let the bereaved person feel like they are in a safe place and can express how they're feeling without being judged. Their emotions may range from sadness to more unexpected emotions like anger. Respect how they feel. If they say they're relieved that the person has died, do not argue against that and insist they must be sad.

Being able to express emotions is a very important part of the grieving process, but try not to force someone to talk, or share, if that's not what they want to do. They may want to talk later, or they may express their emotions in other ways. For example, by writing their feelings down, or by seeing a therapist, or through painting, or gardening, or through having time to think through their feelings when going for a walk, or a run.

So, try to take the lead from them and let them talk if they want to. It's also best not to ask lots of questions in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, or as though you are trying to fix their grief for them.

Sometimes people change quickly between grieving and getting on with their lives, so try not to be surprised by this. One moment they may be upset and want to talk about the person who has died and then the next moment they've changed the subject and want to talk about something ordinary, like what's going on at work or something on TV.

Just let them talk when they want to and keep anything that they share private unless they've said that you can tell others.

Read our blog 11 things I've learned about supporting people with grief and loss.

Be specific when you offer to help

Specific offers of help are often more useful than general ones.

Maybe you could offer to cook meals, or pick up shopping or help with some of the practical tasks that people need to do after a bereavement?

But if you're not sure how to help, then ask them what you can do. It may be difficult for a grieving person to ask for help when they're already feeling vulnerable. So, let them know you're there and that you want to help− and try to pick up on any changes of mood.

Be patient– there is no timescale for grief

In the first days and weeks after the death, a bereaved person often has lots of practical things they need to do. It's also when family and friends are most likely to be around supporting them.

However, there's no time limit on grieving and your friend or family member might need support, and to talk about their feelings, for many months or years to come.

Remembering important dates or anniversaries

You may want to keep a note of any dates or anniversaries that could be particularly difficult for the person who is grieving, so you can get in touch with them at these times.

If you're worried about upsetting them again by doing this, remember that they'll already know about this date, or anniversary. You cannot stop them from feeling upset so hearing from you, or others, will not make it worse. If anything, it will be help them to know that you have remembered and that you're thinking about them – and about the person who died, also.

Be prepared to get it wrong sometimes

However hard you try to support someone who is grieving, you may sometimes say or do something that upsets them. If you know that they're upset because of something you said or did, then it's probably best just to say you're sorry. The way they have reacted could be more to do with their grief, than anything you've done, so try not to take it personally.

The reality is that bereaved people experience lots of difficult emotions which can sometimes make it hard to be around them. Try not to take any anger personally and give them space.

Suggest an activity or call them at the times they may find hardest

There may be times of the day, or days of the week, that they find more difficult than others. If they're working during the week, then it might be that weekends are the loneliest time for them. Often people whose long-term partner has died, find the evenings most difficult because it can be then that they really notice the loss of a companion.

If you know when the grieving person may be finding it most difficult or lonely, then you could suggest doing something different with them at this time. For example, a walk at the weekend, or a film together in the evening, or just calling in the evening for a catch-up.

You may also want to suggest doing things which help them to talk about and remember the person who has died – like looking through old photos or visiting places that were special to them. If they want to do this, then this could be very helpful for them while they are grieving their loss.

Getting support

No one should have to go through the grieving process alone. There are lots of ways for a person who has been bereaved to find support, whether they prefer to talk to someone in person or to join an online community.

You may want to suggest to the person who has been bereaved that they contact the free Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309so that they can speak to someone about their feelings. We also have trained bereavement support volunteers who can offer up to six sessions of support in the form of a weekly phone call. You can read more about ourTelephone Bereavement Support or contact the Marie Curie Support Line.

You can also call the free Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309 if you want to share any concerns you have about supporting the person who has been bereaved.

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